So, I read a blog post a while back about how getting married
young is (among many other “pansy-assed” things) really just a way to hide behind
somebody from the craziness of life. And quite frankly I think that’s hilarious,
because for me, this first year of marriage has been about anything but
hiding...
I’m thankful that in the years and months leading up to
getting engaged and getting married I had a close friend who let me in on the
intimate (and sometimes ugly) details of married life. It prepared me for the
nitty gritty reality of marriage that I hadn’t seen portrayed. I only knew of
the fairy-tale endings, a life now made whole and complete by another person—and
that just ain’t how it is! Marriage satisfies a longing and a void, but not completely
and it isn’t a happy ending—from her life I learned it was really the beginning
of a new (and by no means less complicated) journey. Even with that
preparation, I don’t think you’re ever really prepared for marriage until
you’re fully immersed in it. Everyone’s marriage is different, after all two
unique broken hot mess people are combining lives! No telling how that’s going
to go…
Reflecting back on my first year of marriage, I think the
biggest overarching sentiment is that God is using this extremely invasive
relationship to rub me raw!
That sort of conjures up a gross and graphic image of
blaring red skin, exposed, vulnerable and sometimes bloodied. And to be honest,
that’s what my first year of marriage felt like. (Don’t worry there was lots of
beautiful, fun, joyous times as well. Discomfort isn’t a bad thing though!)
What I brought into my marriage without really realizing the extent of it was,
thick skin and tough walls built up over decades of heartache and broken trust. But the friction of another life rubbing up against my carefully guarded safe
zones and infringing upon my life is exposing the deepest parts of me and
making me vulnerable.
This friction of living my life alongside another person
has given me no place to hide my poorly applied bandages over my many wounds,
all the walls and coverings I’ve erected are being worn and broken down.
This year God has shown me that a guarded and protected self is detrimental to a marriage. That might seem obvious to many of you, but not to me. I'd heard that marriage required self-sacrifice but I didn't realize to what extent. The two shall become one flesh is a demand. There is no room for me to be about my single self-preservation. I'm a part of something greater now. I'm being made into something new and it requires every inch of me. There is no room to hide behind my pride if I want my relationship with Alex to continue to grow and mature, if I want the more my heart so greatly longs for.
And so in the midst of this pain and discomfort, there’s a
healing taking place. And I thought marriage was just about companionship. God
uses it for so. much. more.
I’m thankful for this rubbing away of my fake self, so that
a more authentic self is being revealed.
God truly does more than we can ask or imagine with the
small hopes and dreams we envision for ourselves (Ephesians 3:20) We're looking forward to see what God has in store for the next years of our lives together
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